From today, you would get a regular dose about my days in Cotton College. Iā€™m not a writer, so please stick to the content only, donā€™t care much about style and language. And remember not everything what I write here is true. I would add fiction to spice up the story.

There are some people who you either like or donā€™t like at all. You cannot be indifferent to their existence.

Bhaskar Bora was one of them.

He sat beside me in the dining hall on the very first day of my hostel life and immediately started conversation. I usually take five to six encounters to go beyond the ā€˜Hellosā€™ and ā€˜How are yousā€™. So he almost sneaked into my comfort zone.

ā€œHi Kaushik, great to have food with a rank-holder,ā€ he grinned.

Now, that was torture. I was not sure if that was a praise or joke. Besides, I hated this new identity of mine. I admit I got rank and I desperately wanted it as it could help me to wipe out a stigma thrust on me.

Unfortunately it became a baggage.

I seriously hate the image of a bookworm as I was never one. But, a rank-holder is supposed to be one, who also embodies certain other traits. For instance, he would not talk of girls, forget about sex.

And sex used to be my pet theme.

The moment someone realized I was a rank-holder, they would stare at me as if I was in the museum. Then the grilling session: How many hours did you study? What did you do during leisure? Can you suggest me some good books?

How do I tell the moron that I used to watch porn and flipped through Debonair?

ā€œCan you ignore that I got rank and accept me as a normal human being who loves sex a lot?ā€

Bhaskar was surely not ready for this, but the twinkle in his eyes said he laid his hands on gold mines.

ā€œWow! We seem to be on the same wave-length. Letā€™s meet post lunch in the TV room.ā€

Now, whatā€™s this wave-length? And how could he judge my wave-length by some words uttered almost in disgust. But Bhaskar was too magnetic to be ignored.

The only edge I had over Bhaskar was my rank in the examination. I scored exactly 30 marks more than him. But thatā€™s all. There were many other fields where I scored zero and he got distinction. He was a good guitarist, knew martial arts, wrote wonderful poems, sang very well and to top it all was a great orator. Thank God that he was four inches shorter to me. I did not loose all the girls to him.

I became his friend instantly little realizing that he needed me to build brand Bhaskar. But I was not fool either.

So, the friendship ended with me ditching him and Bhaskar almost getting me killed.

When it comes to making love, Indians are not only the safest but are also the most committed to their partners and do not find their sex life monotonous, according to Durex Global Sex Survey. The survey conducted by the world's leading condom brand said Indians have had least unprotected sex without knowing their partners sexual history with 21 per cent, as compared to the global average of 47 per cent.

I do not know what you make out of this survey, but this comes as a real surprise to me. What does Durex mean when it says India? If the survey includes metros only, itā€™s ok. Even in metros I have serious doubt about contentment factor. Though I have not lived a long life, I have spoken to people from different strata of life and I can easily start a conversation on sex with anyone. Donā€™t worry; Iā€™m not a sex maniac though often Iā€™m misunderstood to be one. Very early in my life I realized that sex is nothing but a biological process like eating and sleeping and we attribute unnecessary importance to it. So, Iā€™m always at ease with anything sexual.

In India, sex has always been regarded as a taboo and as a result we are deprived from healthy and actual sexual knowledge. Besides, due to the mystery surrounding sex, we have become a nation obsessed with sex. Or else, how do you explain the high birth rate of our great country? Non-availability of birth control measures cannot be an answer as you can restrain from sex if you are not interested in it. We are, in fact, very much interested, but just donā€™t want to talk about it. Forget birth rate, why are so many crimes related to sex? Excluding rape, which to me is the worst crime on earth, every day women are subjected to ā€˜minorā€™ sexual offences.

So, why do our happily married males ogle at his colleagues in office? And trust me I also look at cleavages, but I also tell the lady that I have done so. Ask my female friends if you need a proof. And if the lady is a stranger, donā€™t expect me to be honest and get slapped.

The fact is we are not at all happy with our sexual lives (exclude me please). And you know what the real problem is? Lack of proper sexual knowledge and most importantly, criminal absence of the desire to gain this knowledge. Most of my male friends canā€™t say for sure if their partners actually get orgasm and if yes, how do they get it. And when it comes to eves, many of them are not aware of the concept of orgasm. Believe me, they are all educated.

I do not know what you mean by sex, but to me itā€™s the highest achievable mental and physical bliss on earth. And itā€™s the best way you can express your love for someone. Thatā€™s why sex is not just intercourse, which is simply a biological act. Itā€™s beyond physical understanding and exclusively humane. Ever thought why animals have fixed time for mating and human beings can do it round the year?

Durex must have carried out the survey in metros. What about rural India where sex at night is the only source of entertainment for many. Can you imagine a farmer in rural Bihar or say Assam going to a chemistā€™s shop and asking for dotted Durex condom?

I have not seen the origin of Diwali. But, Iā€™m sure that it was never like this. Like Holi, this festival has also been distorted beyond recognition. I think itā€™s the festival of light, which is symbolised by Diya (earthen lamp). However, now it epitomises only crackers and noise.

Why canā€™t we have peaceful Diwali without crackers?

Luckily, this time Diwali was very subdued in Delhi. It sounds obnoxious, but thatā€™s the only positive outcome of those blasts on Saturday. However, I would happily let go to this positive effect, if God stops all future blasts.

Today is Shah Rukh Khanā€™s birthday. I do not rate him very high as an actor. But, as a person heā€™s amazing. He knows how to conquer the world. He does everything in style. Itā€™s a treat to watch him. He does not have a great look or a great body. But, he has enormous amount of self-belief. He believes that he is the best and this is what makes him special. I adore people who can stand up and say ā€œIā€™m the bestā€ and then prove it.

Every winner has this arrogance. I wish him a long and eventful life.

I Did Not Die
Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumnā€™s rain.
When you awaken in the morningā€™s hush
I am the swift uplifting rushOf quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.I
am not there. I did not die.

-Melinda Sue Pacho

(I dedicate this poem to the families of those killed in Delhi bomb blasts)

When I first heard of Chetan Bhagatā€™s book on IIT hostels, Five Point Something, I was not very keen to read. I thought it would be a campus story. A week back I got to read two of his books for free. A generous friend of mine lent Five Pointā€¦ and One Night @ Call Centre to me. Anyone who lends book to me has a big heart because I never lend book to anyone. I used to put a piece of paper on the wall of my hostel room in Cotton College and it read ā€œI do not lend books and magazines.ā€ This is actually a borrowed practice, which I saw in Homen Borgohainā€™s residence. He used to be my idol once.

Bhagatā€™s book is a campus story. I have read many books like that. Itā€™s no doubt a comfortable reading and deserves to be a best-seller, though good marketing boosted its sell. The book reminded me of two earlier books I have read in my mother tounge-Cotton College and Seemanta. If these two books are translated and properly marketed, they may also turn best-seller!

Another Assamese book, which can surely become a best-seller, is Anuradhar Desh. But, the translator must be good enough to capture the mood of the book. I think the appeal of the book lies in the mood and treatment of the story. After Janhu Baruah, someone may try a commercial Hindi movie, with Anuradhar Desh as the story. Iā€™m sure it will be a big hit. Imagine Shah Rukh Khan playing the role of Arunav!

This may be a wild imagination, but I have another wish unfulfilled and it seems itā€™s going to turn a wild fantasy soon. After two consecutive victories over the Lankans and the selectors in no mood to bring him back, will Team India seek Gangulyā€™s service again? Will I ever see Dada dancing down the crease and hitting those huge sixes?

We all know a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Every morning I face a great problem: what to eat for breakfast? Early morning I donā€™t feel like wasting too much time in the kitchen. If I get up late, I cannot decide if I should go for lunch directly or opt for a quick breakfast. That I do not like bread add to my confusion.

I reached office early today and out of habit logged on to the TOI website. You can imagine my excitement when I saw a story on 15 best Indian breakfasts. I thought I could get a solution to my problem.

The excitement, however, vanished soon. Those were, by no means, regular breakfasts. A singleton like me can never prepare them in the morning during weekdays. I guess the same is true for couple too. As I waded through the slide-show, I gradually lost my zeal. Towards the end of it, I just wanted to wrap up the whole story.

But, there was a big surprise waiting for me!

I was shocked to see what TOI wrote about Assamese breakfast. Fish and papaya with Khar powder! For those who donā€™t know what Khar is let me explain. Itā€™s simply alkali or base. Itā€™s always in liquid form. And the writer says Khar powder!

Thereā€™s no doubt that we love fish. But, thatā€™s not in the breakfast menu. There are many delicious dishes, which we Assamese people devour in the morning. It can be pithas, xandah, mudi, chiraā€¦anything. It can be luchi tarkari, which we have imported from Bengalis. But no fish in the morning.

I pointed out the mistake twice to the Editor. But, none cared to rectify it. At least, till 6: 30 pm. Who cares about Assam?

Some days back Sony TV said Maine Gandhi Ko Nahi Mara was directed by famous ā€˜Oriyaā€™ director Jaanhu Baruah. Zoom Television, again of TOI group, went one step ahead and said Baruah was from Korea!

Today, I was dying to sit near a river and listen to flute. Unfortunately, thereā€™s no river here in Delhi and my wish remained unfulfilled. I do not consider Yamuna as a river, at least, not in Delhi. Itā€™s simply a dirty drain.

Since my childhood, I have read and heard a lot about Yamuna. I thought it would be wonderful river, which would tell me the history of Delhi. It never did. I felt like crying the day I saw Yamuna for the first time in Delhi. I felt beyrayed.

Though, I belong to the land where the mighty Brahmmaputra flows, I grew up with a small river flowing quietly near my home. It used to be my best friend, especially during my adolescences. I got to see Brahmmaputra once or twice in the year till I reached college. During college days, our gang of six used to spend our evenings on the bank of the son of Brahmma.

We used to go there whenever we were depressed and there were enough reasons to be sad. She did not smile at me today, end of the month and start of bankruptcy, magazines rejecting our attempts to become 21st century Shelly and Keatsā€¦it could be anything. And the mighty river listened to all our grievances. It never uttered a single word, but said a lot of things. We used to feel elated, many a time felt like giving it a hugā€¦laughed at ourselves and came back happily.

I miss Tihu and Brahmmaputra.

Itā€™s often said civilizations are formed around a river. Is Delhi going to die as Delhites are so busy killing Yamuna?

I donā€™t know.

As I was lazily scanning TV channels late into the night, in the comfort of a luxurious AC room of a hotel in Mathura, a knock on the door at that ungodly hour startled me. Irked, I forced myself out of the cosy embrace of the pillow. Groggy, I was not the least prepared for the greatest shock of my life. As I opened the door warily, Lord Krishna greeted me with a benevolent smile. I think I gaped.
Before I could regain my composure, the Lord said: "Don't worry. I'm Krishna. I have loved journalists since my childhood for they have only popularized and glamorized me. On behalf of my people of Brajbhoomi, I thank you for your interest. Ask me what you want, and it shall be granted!"
"Sir...oops...Prabhuji, I would be I very happy if you agree for an interview,ā€ I requested meekly. "Sure, it will be my pleasure. If it were not for you guys I would not have become what I am today. Go ahead, shoot,ā€ he grinned.
"What would you like Prabhuji, tea, coffee or something else, " I was I very careful not to offend him.
"Get me a Pepsi, I have always been wondering what is there in it that you keep saying 'Ye dil maange more'. "
After we both settled down with Pepsis in our hands, the interview began. The following are excerpts of the interview, jotted down from a fading memory.

Me: Please tell us about your dramatic birth and the miraculous escape from prison?
Lord Krishna: That was not an escape. In fact, I cried so much at night that the guards threw me into the Yamuna river. I was lucky that I survived. Journalists of that time gave such a twist to that tale that I became hero overnight. That was probably the beginning of yellow journalism. I was so happy that all my life I wore only yellow clothes.

Me: If that was a rumour, how did you acquire magical powers later? You killed so many demons.
Lord Krishna: Luck has been playing a great role in my life. For example, I killed Putana Rakshahsi. All that I did was bit her too hard. You see I was very hungry and dying for milk. I still wonder how she died. But you guys blew it up out of proportion. I could not object then, as I was only a kid and, later I started enjoying my iconic status.

Me: What about taming the Kalya snake? Surely, you fought very bravely.
Lord Krishna: Snakes can be tamed easily if you know where to hit them. But again, as it happens to me, the story acquired an inexplicable dimension. Thanks to you guys in the media.

Me: What about the Govardhana episode?
Lord Krishna: I don't know how come my name was related to it. People took shelter near the hill while it was raining. It is true that the idea of taking shelter near the hill was my idea because due to incessant rain there was a chance of flood.

Me: But surely you fought and killed that evil Kansa?
Lord Krishna: The fact is that Kansa was killed due to a mass uprising. No doubt I led that uprising. I was politically ambitious since my childhood. So slowly I modelled myself as a leader, and of course, you, guys helped me a lot in my mission. In the Kansa episode, I just gave the fellow the final blow, and I became hero again.

Me: You loved Radha. But you did not marry her. Why?
Lord Krishna: Oh, I not only loved Radha but loved all the gopis. I liked the kind of attention I used to get from gals. Grapevine did the rest. You guys really thrived on that story (smiles indulgently). You see my rivals spread the notion that I had special relationship with Radha. In fact, it affected her young mind and I genuinely felt sorry for her. If I had married her, it would have been politically fatal for me. I had to take into account the social norms. I was a Yadav. Radha belonged to a different caste. If I would have married Radha I would have lost the support from the people of my caste and their support was crucial for my political career. But I must tell you Radha was really beautiful (smiles wistfully).

Me: Why did you steal clothes of the gopis? Was not it a perversion to watch them nude?
Lord Krishna: I did not steal. You don't need to steal to watch them nude. Even today, in Mathura and Vrindavan, women bathe nude in the ghats. So what's wrong if you see what is being shown to you? Will not you see if you get a chance?

Me (mischievously): Then, why did you save Draupadi while she was being disrobed?
Lord Krishna: It was a coincidence. It was an in-house affair of the Kuru dynasty. But I arrived at that place at that moment. So they had to stop what they were up to because they were very particular about family secrecy.

Me: Why did you shift to Dwarka?
Lord Krishna: Mathura was surrounded by too many influential states. So I went to a safer area. I never learnt armoury. (In an indulgently conspiratorial whisper) What I achieved was due to political acumen and media publicity. And my common sense told me that having strong people around you is never safe.

Me: Why did you take Pandava's side in the Mahabharata war?
Lord Krishna: I could easily influence the Pandavas. I knew whoever would win the war will rule Bharatvarsh. Earlier, it was a family feud. But with my shrewd planning, I turned it into a decisive war about the future of Bharatvarsha. Had I taken Duryodhana's side and he had won, which was definitely a possibility with my backing, he would not have danced to my tune later. He was very egoist. But that was not the case with the Pandavas. They were pliable and quite naive. I taught them chicanery. Militarily, the Pandavas were weaker than the Kaurava. But I managed to influence some big warriors in the Kaurava team and they later betrayed Duryodhana. You know Bhishma never fought genuinely for the Kauravas. Same was the case with Dronacharya. So, a lot of planning went behind Pandava's victory.

Me: Why did not you take up arms in the war?
Lord Krishna: I told you, I never learnt armoury. And I was scared too. But I did not want to miss the actual drama. So I became a sarathi (charioteer). I was immune to injury due to war rules, which were formulated by Bhishma with tips from me.

Me: If Bhishma and Dronachrya were your men why did you get them killed?
Lord Krishna: Very simple. Never trust betrayers.

Me: Why did you not become king yourself?
Lord Krishna: See when you hold a post, you become responsible for whatever you do. You will receive accolades when you do good things. But for your misdeeds, you have to face criticism. I wanted to enjoy power without accountability. So I became king maker. Interestingly, Sonia is practising this trick.

Me: So how did you manage such meticulous planning and yet none got a hint of it?
Lord Krishna: I was very careful about my image. I consciously built my image. I pitted my friends against my enemies, and incited my enemies against my friends. They were so busy fighting against each other that they hardly had time to think for anything else. And I maintained a cordial relationship with journalists. Narada, the oldest journalist in the world, was a very good friend of mine.


Me: How do you finally describe yourself- politician or God?
Lord Krishna:I have always nurtured my godly image and my reputation as an orator par excellence. So, I would not like to give that up. It is all about politics. You see now, why so many god-men are jumping into the political arena. People have started misusing my name for their political gain. I do not like it. So I thought I would grant you an interview.

Me: So, what is your message for prithvivasi?
Lord Krishna: (taking the last swig of Pepsi) Jo chahe ho jaaye, ye dil maange more...